She doesn't like me anymore.
No, she didn't really say that, but she's thinking it, I just know it! Cause I'm psychic like that. (Just kidding, please take it in jest, but examine the kernel of truth in the sarcasm)
Wait, but I thought... I'd said that we weren't going to talk so that she could get herself straightened out with God, so things would work better for us. Has this changed? No.
But now I've got this idea that maybe I should pay a little more attention to studies than a girlfriend next semester, maybe Spring too. I don't know what God has in store for me, but I've also got to have a bit more leadership in me, so maybe that's what God wants me to get a grasp of before I go off trying to lead someone else. I'll have to set certain goals for my next relationship, and I hope that Laura can see that it'll be for the better. If being friends is all we can be for a while, then that's what it'll be. God's got it in His hands.
I really hope that by the time I get back, Laura will have gotten some help, some word from God, and once I hang out and spend some more time, I think I'll be able to open up again and be a better friend.
I really wish I'd written down all the promises we'd made, cause I made some hoping she'd keep her end, and then I broke my end, and she broke her end, and I'd thought it could be mended, but if she doesn't see it that way, then so be it, we can work things out and still be friends right?
I don't have anyone in mind for my "next" girlfriend. I'm not interested in anyone seriously, but I really hope it's Laura again. She's really an awesome person, and the only thing she lacks basically is self-esteem and a deep relationship with God. I really thought I understood where she was, cause I was in a similar place in my relationship with God, but maybe not. Now He's arrested my attention and reminded me that I'm nothing without Him, as if I didn't remind myself of that daily already. But I've also learned that preaching the gospel to yourself daily really helps.
Not just the "you're going to hell" part, that's hardly Good News. But more along the lines of "You've failed, but I still love you, I died for you while you were my enemy. Let me help you up and we can walk on together." Coming from the lips of Jesus, those are the sweetest words I've ever heard. Coming from a sinner like me though, they sound hollow, because I keep coming up with conditions for my love. That's not true love. It's gotten harder for me to forgive though... Jesus says we're supposed to forgive 70x7, but when your partner is repeatedly and continually acting stupid, when she KNOWS it's wrong... and when you aren't there to stop it, it gets tough to trust.
It's hard for me to love someone and want to spend the rest of my days with someone I can't trust... and honestly I guess I haven't done much on that end either. I feel like a failure every time I "talk" to her, and since we're not supposed to be communicating this summer (God's directive, not mine; I thought I saw wisdom in it, I keep screwing up.), I can only gather what she's thinking and doing through her blog posts. I figured she was on the right path, but then I got involved again. I hate me.
I guess I'll have to start writing out my thoughts on what a relationship should entail and what I'm looking for, cause she thinks that she needs to change who she is in order for me to love her. That is frankly stupid, and I'm sorry I've ever exuded that thought. I've told her that she shouldn't change for me, that she should change for herself, and she's got that part. I feel though that she isn't reading what I'm saying, she's reading into what I'm saying whatever she feels, which at the moment isn't too hot, but I don't know what to say when she's obviously convinced one way AND I've committed to not talk with her for a time. I really wish I could just get it over with, but where's the growth in that?
She does have good intentions, she is on the right path... I guess my pressure isn't a good thing. I was trying to guide her, but she feels like I'm forcing her. Not good for any relationship. I can't change her, and I've come to that realization. I thought I'd communicated it, but apparently not, and now it's messing with her. All I want is solid and firm commitment, but I can't accept words until I can see action... which I guess is a little shallow, but words right now mean so little to me, since promises have been broken on both ends, but I mentioned that before. Relationship requirement #1: No unwritten promises. My memory sucks, and when the hard times roll around, it's best to know what you've promised to. I don't remember half of mine, but I'm sure they're clear as day to her. I suck.
Stephe(confused and trying to be hopeful)
P.S. You wear the ring to remind you that there is a man for you that you should commit yourself to and not entertain the idea of another man in your life, for any reason other than public, casual friends. I don't hate you. Don't think about me. Think about just you and God. That's what this is for, that's why I've tried to step out of your life for this season... But unfortunately I keep toeing the line. I'm sorry. Keep on going. Listen to your friends, they're giving great advice.
No comments:
Post a Comment