Love, not just a feeling.

I need love. Not just a feeling, but real, true, tangible love. I want to be able to give my life to a person and have everything fall in place and have a relationship that is so infused by God that we both are so completely willing to do anything for the other, because it's the right thing to do, and because we want to, not because we have to.

I want to be able to have someone to hold and to caress and to cherish, and I need that someone to hold and cherish me. I don't want sex, but I like physicality. We need to find our strength not in each other, but in Christ. Not in ourselves, but in God. We need to be guided by the One and Only Creator, who made us and loves us and wants us to be like Him. We are to reflect His love, and that is what true love is.

There is a saying that a girl's heart should be so far into Jesus' heart that the man has to go through Him to find it. I'm willing to go that distance. I don't want easy love, I want it to be worth it. I want to find myself in the bliss of Christ, the sanctity and peace that I know that what I'm doing with my life is right and good and holy, and will benefit me and my love and through it all, will glorify my God.

So far I have not found that love, I have merely made for myself an imitation of it. Something I could hold onto, but wasn't really there. Something that made me feel good, but wasn't really wholesome. I have lived a farce, I have made a mockery of what true love embodies, I have hurt people because of it, and I hate myself for it.

I am at fault, and I must now run to the One who knows me best, who will love me in spite of who I am and what I have done, and mold me into who I should be. Not until after death will I be made perfect, but henceforth I shall strive onward, pressing ever stronger unto that goal. God is always with me, I need to be with Him more often.


My roommate has similar thoughts on this issue, and I think we're both on the mark.

"... i've been looking for someone to love and who will love me..."

This is an interesting statement, I have to wonder are you looking for love or are you looking for the right person in your life? If you're looking for love your heart's never going to be content without the love of God.

If you're looking for the (or a) right person for you then I think a person would be better off throwing out terms like love, boyfriend/girlfriend and dating. Think of the strength of relationships that could be built if rather than worrying about at being boyfriend/girlfriend, if rather than trying to figure out if you were in love, people just took the time to get to know one another and then let time show them the answer to these questions.

Take things slow, enjoy and concentrate on one another instead of on the relationship, because if you're looking for the love and not the person, then without God in your life the person's always going to fall short. So take your time, relax, have fun, enjoy one another, talk together about the things you see and feel along this journey, and trust that things will be made clear in time.

Well, that was fast!

This is also on my MySpace blog, but I figured I'd post it here too... it's been a long while since I last posted anything, so I figure the new year is just as good a time as ever to update.

It's amazing how life rushes at you, sometimes it seems, with the sole intent of whirling you around so hard and so fast that you feel ripped apart upside down and backwards at the same time. Well, that happened to me over this Christmas break. My girlfriend, Katie, and I broke up (I prefer the term mutually seperated) shortly before break, and we've been discussing things of importance and solidifying the fact that we will never get back together, which hurts both of us. Ok, it just plain stinks. But... I think, hope, and pray that it was the best thing to do, and that both of us will grow from it.

Then, when I got back, I found out that friends back home were estatic to see me, and I them. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to see all of them yet... (Sorry Sarah, Marah, and JR!) But hopefully I'll work that in on Friday or something.

Oh! Another important thing to remember for all of you in or soon entering college. You know the phrase "Poor college student"? IT'S TRUE!!! Especially when you've got a friend who text messages you like it was AIM or something... and you don't have the cell phone plan to cover it. Yeah, not so great. I found out that I had (over a six month period of time) gotten 200 some dollars in overage charges, ON TOP OF the $100 for the regular bill! Luckily, my dad caught it early, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but my bills for the last month of the interval equaled the five months previous! Combined! Yeesh... I'm gonna have to watch out. Luckily, unfortunately rather, I'm no longer friends with the person who sent me the most text messages, so I think I'll be good. (By the way, that's another story entirely, involving the uneasy interactions of four souls locked in destiny... in other words, I'm not gonna talk about it.)

Oh yeah, College. College takes work. Lots of it. It can be difficult at times. Therefore that means more work. I'd been told these things over and over before I went to college, but it never really sank in until my third semester here. Now, it looks like because of that, I'll have to take a 5th year of classes (well, 5 spring courses) to graduate from LeTourneau. There's the possibility of transferring, which I'd gladly do, but I don't know if it'd be best, for several reasons, including the fact that my parents would love my diploma to have the words "LeTourneau University" on it for some reason. :-) (Gotta love my parents) Speaking of which, I'll put my schedule up sometime soon, once I finally figure out what it is.

So, in conclusion, I'm doing well. It's a new year, with new chances to fail. Luckily, that means I have at least that many chances to succeed at what I do, so long as I make sure to get things done in a timely and orderly manner. Here's wishing you all the best, and hoping some rubs off on me! ;-) Cheers!