Pardon my french, but I AM AN IDIOT... (Je suis un imbécile.)
I'm angry at myself, I'm heartbroken that I might have just thrown away the best relationship I've ever had over something I really didn't want to do in the first place, and I'm sick and tired of myself. Why can't things just go well? Why can't I just deal with situations perfectly as they come up? Why am I left with broken pieces when all I wanted was a decent life? Why can't I just stop things that I know will only hurt me? Why??? Why??? Why??? I'm tempted to just fly out and try to make amends in person, but a) I don't know how that will go, and b) I don't exactly have the cash on me now. Maybe next week.
Why do I have to play with fire? Because it's fun? Because it intrigues me and mezmerizes me for a moment, before it RIPS OUT MY HEART AND EATS MY FLESH??? WHY? I know why. It's because I'm imperfect, and I can get sucked into the moment. But why? I can't explain it away, I can't make excuses, I can't do anything now that it's done. All I can do is move on and be a better man, and hope that the one I long for will accept that and help me grow. I want to be close to her, I don't want to forsake her for someone else. I want.. I want... I want God to come in with his magical holy ghost bandage and fix it all up so I can be out the door and living my life with no worries of failure... Yeah right, like that will happen. God does not work like that, and I do not have the proper glue to mend hearts, nor do I know the recovery time of an injury like the one I've inflicted. I've been forgiven, yay. But she's not going to be stupid, and neither am I...
I never thought I could hurt someone so badly. I promised I would never do something like this. With just a simple exchange of unfaithful words, even if I wasn't feeling them, what does she know about that? Everything I do is now ruined. Scarred. Put into question. Well, I guess things will be brought to light somehow. Awful light... Awful person... Wonderful God? Wonderful savior? Please work in her heart to give me a chance, and work in mine to make sure I NEVER screw it up EVER again.
