Ah, the roller coaster of life and relationships.

Dang... seems like just when we've got something good going and planned out, something comes by and shakes things up a bit. Luckily this one will only give us more resolve for each other. Commitment is a tough thing, and it takes God to hold a relationship together, because we humans are too darn frail and fickle. We still have a good thing going for us, and I'm so glad for that. Nothing will shake us, unless either of us are dissatisfied and talking can't resolve it. That would take a whole lot more than what's gone on before, especially since God is the glue that holds us together.

A quick prayer: God, thank you for your ever loving kindness, and your patience and peace that surpasses all understanding. Bestow upon us some of that patience, test us and find us pure, that we may glorify you more. Lord show us the way to your heart, and lead us through the temptations of life. Hold us close to you, for though we know nothing can snatch us from your grip, we can often feel like we might slip through your fingers.

A new resolve I have for her, that I will live my life righteously for Christ, and that I will be prepared for the events that we hope will unfold in the next two years, and that neither of us will be foolish in any of our actions.

Gilligan(understandingly frustrated)

Life is good!

Hey everyone out there in bloggerland! Welcome back to life in Stephenville! It sure is good now. Well, aside from the fact that I won't see my girlfriend for another few months. *sigh* I'm so glad she loves the Lord, because He is the ultimate guidance. We all need to rely on God, especially the two of us. A commitment is a commitment, and we've both agreed to it. Being honest and open and communicating is the best thing for any relationship, everyone always says it because it's true!
I'm going to care group pretty regularly now, they switched their schedule to Thursdays for the summer, right after I got a job set up with the evenings off on Tuesdays... grr.
Well, I definitely got much distracted while writing this post, so I shall continue it Monday, when I actually have some free time in the morning. :-)

I'm a screw up. No, I screwed up. Either way it stinks like the sh*t it is.

Pardon my french, but I AM AN IDIOT... (Je suis un imbécile.)

I'm angry at myself, I'm heartbroken that I might have just thrown away the best relationship I've ever had over something I really didn't want to do in the first place, and I'm sick and tired of myself. Why can't things just go well? Why can't I just deal with situations perfectly as they come up? Why am I left with broken pieces when all I wanted was a decent life? Why can't I just stop things that I know will only hurt me? Why??? Why??? Why??? I'm tempted to just fly out and try to make amends in person, but a) I don't know how that will go, and b) I don't exactly have the cash on me now. Maybe next week.

Why do I have to play with fire? Because it's fun? Because it intrigues me and mezmerizes me for a moment, before it RIPS OUT MY HEART AND EATS MY FLESH??? WHY? I know why. It's because I'm imperfect, and I can get sucked into the moment. But why? I can't explain it away, I can't make excuses, I can't do anything now that it's done. All I can do is move on and be a better man, and hope that the one I long for will accept that and help me grow. I want to be close to her, I don't want to forsake her for someone else. I want.. I want... I want God to come in with his magical holy ghost bandage and fix it all up so I can be out the door and living my life with no worries of failure... Yeah right, like that will happen. God does not work like that, and I do not have the proper glue to mend hearts, nor do I know the recovery time of an injury like the one I've inflicted. I've been forgiven, yay. But she's not going to be stupid, and neither am I...

I never thought I could hurt someone so badly. I promised I would never do something like this. With just a simple exchange of unfaithful words, even if I wasn't feeling them, what does she know about that? Everything I do is now ruined. Scarred. Put into question. Well, I guess things will be brought to light somehow. Awful light... Awful person... Wonderful God? Wonderful savior? Please work in her heart to give me a chance, and work in mine to make sure I NEVER screw it up EVER again.

Wow, what a hit.

A bomb just got dropped in my lap. I have no idea how it should be handled, but I really know how I want it to be handled. Long-term vs short-term and all that jazz. More details later... Things get more complicated when you add people into the mix.

Love, not just a feeling.

I need love. Not just a feeling, but real, true, tangible love. I want to be able to give my life to a person and have everything fall in place and have a relationship that is so infused by God that we both are so completely willing to do anything for the other, because it's the right thing to do, and because we want to, not because we have to.

I want to be able to have someone to hold and to caress and to cherish, and I need that someone to hold and cherish me. I don't want sex, but I like physicality. We need to find our strength not in each other, but in Christ. Not in ourselves, but in God. We need to be guided by the One and Only Creator, who made us and loves us and wants us to be like Him. We are to reflect His love, and that is what true love is.

There is a saying that a girl's heart should be so far into Jesus' heart that the man has to go through Him to find it. I'm willing to go that distance. I don't want easy love, I want it to be worth it. I want to find myself in the bliss of Christ, the sanctity and peace that I know that what I'm doing with my life is right and good and holy, and will benefit me and my love and through it all, will glorify my God.

So far I have not found that love, I have merely made for myself an imitation of it. Something I could hold onto, but wasn't really there. Something that made me feel good, but wasn't really wholesome. I have lived a farce, I have made a mockery of what true love embodies, I have hurt people because of it, and I hate myself for it.

I am at fault, and I must now run to the One who knows me best, who will love me in spite of who I am and what I have done, and mold me into who I should be. Not until after death will I be made perfect, but henceforth I shall strive onward, pressing ever stronger unto that goal. God is always with me, I need to be with Him more often.


My roommate has similar thoughts on this issue, and I think we're both on the mark.

"... i've been looking for someone to love and who will love me..."

This is an interesting statement, I have to wonder are you looking for love or are you looking for the right person in your life? If you're looking for love your heart's never going to be content without the love of God.

If you're looking for the (or a) right person for you then I think a person would be better off throwing out terms like love, boyfriend/girlfriend and dating. Think of the strength of relationships that could be built if rather than worrying about at being boyfriend/girlfriend, if rather than trying to figure out if you were in love, people just took the time to get to know one another and then let time show them the answer to these questions.

Take things slow, enjoy and concentrate on one another instead of on the relationship, because if you're looking for the love and not the person, then without God in your life the person's always going to fall short. So take your time, relax, have fun, enjoy one another, talk together about the things you see and feel along this journey, and trust that things will be made clear in time.

Well, that was fast!

This is also on my MySpace blog, but I figured I'd post it here too... it's been a long while since I last posted anything, so I figure the new year is just as good a time as ever to update.

It's amazing how life rushes at you, sometimes it seems, with the sole intent of whirling you around so hard and so fast that you feel ripped apart upside down and backwards at the same time. Well, that happened to me over this Christmas break. My girlfriend, Katie, and I broke up (I prefer the term mutually seperated) shortly before break, and we've been discussing things of importance and solidifying the fact that we will never get back together, which hurts both of us. Ok, it just plain stinks. But... I think, hope, and pray that it was the best thing to do, and that both of us will grow from it.

Then, when I got back, I found out that friends back home were estatic to see me, and I them. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to see all of them yet... (Sorry Sarah, Marah, and JR!) But hopefully I'll work that in on Friday or something.

Oh! Another important thing to remember for all of you in or soon entering college. You know the phrase "Poor college student"? IT'S TRUE!!! Especially when you've got a friend who text messages you like it was AIM or something... and you don't have the cell phone plan to cover it. Yeah, not so great. I found out that I had (over a six month period of time) gotten 200 some dollars in overage charges, ON TOP OF the $100 for the regular bill! Luckily, my dad caught it early, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but my bills for the last month of the interval equaled the five months previous! Combined! Yeesh... I'm gonna have to watch out. Luckily, unfortunately rather, I'm no longer friends with the person who sent me the most text messages, so I think I'll be good. (By the way, that's another story entirely, involving the uneasy interactions of four souls locked in destiny... in other words, I'm not gonna talk about it.)

Oh yeah, College. College takes work. Lots of it. It can be difficult at times. Therefore that means more work. I'd been told these things over and over before I went to college, but it never really sank in until my third semester here. Now, it looks like because of that, I'll have to take a 5th year of classes (well, 5 spring courses) to graduate from LeTourneau. There's the possibility of transferring, which I'd gladly do, but I don't know if it'd be best, for several reasons, including the fact that my parents would love my diploma to have the words "LeTourneau University" on it for some reason. :-) (Gotta love my parents) Speaking of which, I'll put my schedule up sometime soon, once I finally figure out what it is.

So, in conclusion, I'm doing well. It's a new year, with new chances to fail. Luckily, that means I have at least that many chances to succeed at what I do, so long as I make sure to get things done in a timely and orderly manner. Here's wishing you all the best, and hoping some rubs off on me! ;-) Cheers!

Yeah... about that.

Creepy is bad. Apparently I'm creepy. That's bad. Especially because I don't try to be, I'm just friendly... I guess being friendly is bad somehow? Or maybe it's the fact that trying to get to know someone when half the campus' male population is attempting the same thing doesn't usually bode well for anyone. Oh well. It's almost enough to make someone go emo and introverted... Luckily I'm not like that, I don't think. :-P Oh whatever, who cares? I've still got friends, and I've got good friends too, those that will tell me I'm being creepy are the ones that you shouldn't lose. So life is good, God is great, and I'm enjoying being here, except for the predator mentality most guys here have. So let's see... I think I'll simply hang out and wait for things to settle down. That would be good. lol, I'd better hang on, cause the world ain't moving any slower! :-D Have a good night everyone!

I'd like a date, but I might be too late. As usual.

You see, there's this little thing called Fall Fest we have here at LeTourneau. It's been described as a homecoming for a school with no football team and that deosn't believe in dancing, and most people dismiss it as a sad attempt at a social event for nerds. To that I say, "So what? It's still fun!"

Fall fest is several things, culminating in each floor's elected "monarch" (guy floors choose a queen, girl floors choose a king) competing for and being nominated "King and Queen of Fall Fest." That may not be an accurate description, but if you had homecoming, it's the same thing, with individual floors competing for their monarch, rather than the student body electing a single pair.

Anyways, the point of all this introduction leads up to the Fall Fest Banquet, at which all the monarchs and various members of the floors (whoever wants to go) all go to a nice country club where there is nice food, music, and presentations, and where the king and queen are nominated.

This is all fine and dandy, except, like most things, it's nice if you have a date. I have someone in mind that I'd really like to go with, but since I'm me and that means I'm a little slow on the uptake, I just might be too late. Oh well, at least it leaves me at status quo: Always the second, never the first. Maybe I'll ask anyways, and if I'm really sweet about it, she'll think about it. Who knows? Only God. And her of course, once I ask... If I ask.

haha! Change is good.

Well it seems like Google is updating things around here, and Blogger is one of those things. Apparently, earlier I couldn't sign in because of some rearranging due to the roll out of the new Beta version. Luckily, that has been fixed, and I might... just might migrate to the beta before they force it upon me. In the meantime, however, I'll just stay content with my little old blogger account, and keep posting away like always. As sporadically as I do blog, I don't think it'll be a problem. :-) Cheers! And happy living to all!

Life... It's worth living.

    You know those days when you feel like stopping everything just to get a break from it all? When you'd rather stay in bed all day long than deal with what lies ahead? Yeah, I've had those days too. However, something to keep in mind is that life keeps moving, whether you do or not, so why not make the best of it? So what if you make a few mistakes? As long as you learn from them, you don't need to be perfect. With God's help, you'll be moving towards perfection a little more everyday. So get up, take a look around you and thank God for the day, because you don't deserve it. Thank Him for your bed, because you don't deserve it. Thank Him for the food you eat, because believe it or not, you don't deserve that either. Thank Him for your friends, your family, and most especially, for Him!

¹⁷For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. ¹⁸Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son. [John 3:17-18]

So if you know God as your living Savior, rejoice! For we are no longer condemned, but we are to live life and live it abundantly [John 10:10b]!
In closing, I leave you with several stacatto sentences.

Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!

-Ms. Frizzle

Live well, laugh often, love much.

-paraphrased from Robert Louis Stevenson

Go out there, and have fun!

-Me

Why are we at war, daddy?

So it's been a while since my last post, and things are weird as always. However, on a different note, I thought I'd post something a little deeper than random ramblings. I found this from a friend, who got it from one of his friends, and I thought it was so cool I had to pass it on. Here it goes...


The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war.. My
husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation. My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window. He said "Son, stand there and tell me what you see?"

"I see trees and cars and our neighbor's houses." He replied.

"OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard is the United States of America and you are President Bush."

Our son giggled and said "OK."

"Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country," my husband said.

"OK Dad, I'm pretending."

"Now I want you to stand there and look out the window and pretend you see
Saddam Hussein come out of his house with his wife, he has her by the hair and is
hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death. Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are screaming and crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids and they are afraid of their father. You see all of this, son....what do you do?"

"Dad?"

"What do you do, son?"

"I'd call the police, Dad."

"OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations. They take your call. They listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do then son?"

"Dad... but the police are supposed to help!" My son starts to whine.

"They don't want to son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved and that you should stay out of it," my husband says.

"But Dad...he killed her!!" my son exclaims.

"I know he did...but the police tell you to stay out of it. Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you're pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children."

"Daddy...he kills them?"

"Yes son, he does. What do you do?"

"Well, if the police don't want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him." our son says.

"Son, our next door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and help you stop him," my husband says.

"But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can't stop him by myself!!"

"WHAT DO YOU DO SON?" Our son starts to cry.

"OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he does next son?"

"What Daddy?"

"He walks across the street to the old ladies house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then...he kills her. He turns around and sees you standing in the window and laughs at you. WHAT DO YOU DO?"

"Daddy..."

"WHAT DO YOU DO?"

Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers, "I'd close the blinds, Daddy."

My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him. "Why?" "Because Daddy...the police are supposed to help people who needs them, and they won't help. You always say that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won't help either. They won't help me stop him. I'm afraid....I can't do it by myself, Daddy. I can't look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and...and...do nothing. So...I'm just going to close the blinds....so I can't see what he's doing...and I'm going to pretend that it is not happening."

I start to cry. My husband looks at our nine year old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husband's questions and he says...

"Son."

"Yes, Daddy."

"Open the blinds because that man...he's at your front door! "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

My son looks at his father, anger and defiance in his eyes. He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father squarely in the eyes, without hesitation he says: "I DEFEND MY FAMILY DAD!! I'M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER, DAD!!! I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD, I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM!!!!!"

I see a tear roll down my husband's cheek and he grabs our son to his chest and hugs him tight, and says... "It's too late to fight him, he's too strong and he's already at YOUR front door, son. You should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife, and his children, and the old lady across the way. You have to do what's right, even if you have to do it alone, before its too late," my husband whispers. THAT scenario I just gave you is WHY we are at war with Iraq. When good men stand by and let evil happen, son, THAT is when the greatest atrocities in the world will affect him. "YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT! EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!" BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! BE PROUD OF OUR TROOPS!! SUPPORT THEM!!! SUPPORT AMERICA SO THAT IN THE FUTURE OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE TO CLOSE THEIR BLINDS!"

Closure is good.

It's a time of change, and of rearranging, reorganizing, reprioritizing. I finally am happy with my current state of singleness, and I'm ready to deal with whatever happens, as it happens. My relationships with people are good, and I'm feeling quite happy for myself and everybody. Most likely, I'll be hanging out and having a blast with the guys and girls of Davis, and others I've met and made friends with here at school.
Girls are confusing, but that doesn't have to stop me from living my own life. I've decided that the key to living well is self-confidence, and that is dependent on the value of life Christ placed on us on the Cross. I think a recent conversation between a friend and I exemplifies this. (Names abbreviated to protect the innocent... My side of the conversation is in blue)

(12:08:24 PM) BC: I dont think I will ever understand women
(12:08:58 PM) SB: why do you say that?
(12:09:05 PM) BC: I dont know
(12:09:10 PM) BC: its just popped into my mind
(12:09:14 PM) SB: ah
(12:09:26 PM) SB: well, I think it's the plight of man
(12:15:06 PM) SB: I don't think we'll ever be able to think on the same wavelength as them, but I do think that we get better at reading them as we get older and grow closer to them.
(12:15:18 PM) BC: Thats the problem
(12:15:25 PM) BC: how do you grow closer to them?
(12:16:35 PM) SB: same way you grow closer to anyone. Develop a relationship by hanging out and talking a lot, and as you discuss things, you begin to see how she(they) view the world.
(12:16:58 PM) BC: It just seems different with women
(12:17:13 PM) SB: What is different?
(12:17:26 PM) BC: What Im allowed to say and what Im not
(12:17:28 PM) SB: ah
(12:17:38 PM) SB: that's part of the learning process
(12:17:55 PM) SB: I'm still struggling through it myself, of course
(12:18:09 PM) BC: of course
(12:18:31 PM) SB: But I figure if I keep my mouth shut, and think before I speak, I'm much better off
(12:18:40 PM) BC: But then I say nothing
(12:19:00 PM) SB: so?
(12:19:11 PM) BC: How can I hang out and talk it I say nothing?
(12:19:52 PM) SB: well you have to take some chances, but I would think someone like me or you would be able to keep someone's attention and just have fun
(12:20:31 PM) SB: and if you step over "the line", you'll know it, and then you can remember to be more careful something like that comes to mind
(12:20:44 PM) BC: Ok, here's where Im coming form
(12:21:09 PM) BC: At my old school, you say something wrong to a woman that your trying to become friends with, and soon all the women are mad at you, even if you dont know what you said
(12:21:32 PM) SB: ah, this is true. the community mind of girls
(12:21:43 PM) BC: then it always feel akward around the woman you said something to, and everything that has been built up disolves a bit, which makes it even harder to go back
(12:22:01 PM) SB: the key to that is self confidence
(12:22:22 PM) BC: I guess its no coincidence that my other friend said the same thing
(12:22:32 PM) SB: really?
(12:22:35 PM) BC: yeah
(12:23:21 PM) SB: I feel that if you just move past it, or ask what you said wrong, then you can apologize and move on. Unfortunately, women have a much better memory than we do.
(12:23:48 PM) BC: I dont see how they can have a better memory about how I screwed up than me
(12:24:48 PM) SB: believe me, the things that are offensive to them are more than what we consider offensive, so if their memory isn't better, it's just more specific
(12:26:14 PM) BC: ah, specific
(12:26:16 PM) BC: that sucks
(12:26:39 PM) SB: it does, until you begin to analyze what you say, like I was saying before
(12:27:12 PM) SB: and the things that offend vary by the girl, which makes it even more difficult
(12:28:43 PM)SB: but when you spend time with a few girls, you can see general trends of taboo topics and remarks, especially noting their reactions to other boys
(12:29:28 PM) BC: I'll keep my eyes open
(12:29:47 PM) SB: that's the best way
(12:29:57 PM) SB: eyes and ears open, mouth wide shut
(12:30:08 PM) SB: :-)
(12:30:10 PM) BC: sounds good to me
(12:30:38 PM) SB: of course, this could lead to "nice guy syndrome", which many men dislike
(12:31:29 PM) SB: I'm looking for a balance of boldness and wisdom, and I'm still leaning toward the quiet, reserved side
(12:34:02 PM) BC: My quiet reserved side tends to get me ignored, not even the nice guy syndeomre
(12:34:12 PM) SB: exactly
(12:34:35 PM) SB: enter: self confidence

Quotes

Well, I've been dumbstruck yet again by the Complex Infrastructure Known as the Female Mind... or in this case, heart. So I think I'll just let others who have already spoken do the talking for me. Note: I'm not usually emo, I'm just leaning that direction for now.

I've learned
Author unknown

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be some that can be loved. The rest is up to them.
  
• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
  
• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
  
• I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
  
• I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
  
• I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
  
• I've learned that you can do some thing in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
  
• I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
  
• I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
  
• I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
  
• I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
  
• I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done regardless of the consequences.
  
• I've learned that money is a lousy way to keep score.
  
• I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
  
• I've learned that the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to pick you back up.
  
• I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
  
• I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
  
• I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
  
• I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
  
• I've learned that no matter good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
  
• I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
  
• I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
  
• I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
  

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' -- Erich Fromm
(oops, looks like I'm still in the immature love phase.)

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
-=- Neil Gaiman

“If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.”
Doug Horton

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."
-- Kahlil Gibran

“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp.”

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable." Dr. Joyce Brothers
(I'm working on this. It's not going so well.)

"When love hurts you, dare to love again." Steve Maraboli, from Dare To Be

and finally...
My quote for life:

"Live well, Learn plenty, Laugh often, Love much." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love it! Poetry is sweet!

Here are two poems I found that seem to mesh nearly perfectly with my feelings right now. These two poems combined express what I'm feeling inside, and even though they might seem to conflict, the main theme is the same, can you tell what it is? I did change the second one's last line to something more hopeful, because I'm just optimistic like that. Now I'm wondering if I should read these to her, or have her read them, or avoid mentioning them altogether... It's pretty confusing right now.

The Friendship Page: Friendship Poetry - Love

My One True Love

Throughout my short existence,
I've found but one true love,
Someone who fits me perfectly,
Just like a rubber glove.

This person is someone I trust,
Someone who's always there,
Someone who I can turn to,
Through darkness and despair.

I've known since I first met her,
I love her oh so much,
I long for her to love me,
And to feel her gentle touch.

She says that she still loves me,
Yet just wants to be my friend,
But I know that I'll still love her,
Until the very end.

I wish that I could have her,
As my very own,
But I guess I had my chance,
And I guess that chance was blown.

This girl I love so very much,
Means more to me than ever,
And I hope deep down inside,
That one day we'll be together.


The Death of Me

Everything you could have been
Everything you'll be.
Everything you dream about
And everything you see.
All the times you feel so much
And times you let them go.
Times you thought you wanted love
And times you'll never know.
Parts of you, you cannot hide
Parts I'll never see.
Parts that want to be alone
And parts you share with me.
All these things that make you whole
I love like no one could.
And this is why I dream of you
In ways a lover would.
For friends is not enough for me
I know that it's been years.
But love has grown to more than this
Despite my greatest fears.
Take a look behind these eyes
And see the death of me.
The love I feel for my best friend
The love I want her to see.

IT IS FINISHED!!!

Well, at least I got my English paper completed. That's a load off my back. Now I only have a 4 page Bible paper to write, and I'm practically done! The rest of my finals (Discrete Math, Calculus, and Computer Science I) should all be easy, so I'll be able to write that last paper after I take the Discrete Exam tomorrow morning, study some for CS and Calc, and I will be done! Then I'll be able to talk, for those of you who were wondering why I'm not on aim or myspace, I'm not mad at you, I'm just cramming.

Settling in for the long run.

Well, I've come to settle things, or at least things are being settled, wether I want them to or not. You see, I've been talking with women, and that can sometimes get confusing, especially when one or more of them like you. (What a tough situation for a nice guy...) Anyway, my relationships have been a little rocky lately, which has been mostly my fault, but it's all a long story. (Don't worry, I'll get around to it eventually...) So I've been talking with these three really cool girls (I'm not sure if I've mentioned their names as of yet, so they shall remain nameless...) Girl #1 I've known for a long time, and have set my heart upon. Girl #2 I met at camp, and she's liked me ever since. And Girl #3 is really awesome, though we've never actually met face to face, we've talked about tons of stuff and she liked me a lot, and I her for a while, but that's been discussed, and we're still really good friends. (It's a whole lot more complicated and drawn out than that, but that's the condensed version...)
So my relationship with Girl #3 has been settled and we're really firm, my relationship with Girl #2 has been touch and go, unfortunately I've been leading her on when I didn't really mean to, and now I'm going to have to break her heart by telling her that we should be just friends, because I really want to go out with Girl #1, who I have loved for a long time. And it's not just that mushy/horny love/lust either, I genuinely would give my life for hers in a heartbeat. Not that I wouldn't for any of my friends, but she holds a special place in my heart (which sounds cheezy... but I'll just leave it there.) I really should finish this post, but I need to go to a meeting, so I'll probably get back to it later, after homework... oh well.

Exegesis Killed my Motivation

Remember that huge paper I had to turn in a while ago? I might not have mentioned it, but there was a huge paper that we had to turn in for Bible, it was basically our midterm exam. Anyway, since our teacher is the self-acclaimed WSG (World's Glowest Grader), we finally got our papers back today, and I did fairly well. I failed it. Now, before you gasp in shock and horror (which you probably have already done...), let me explain.
So I did well, I could have expanded on a few points here, done some more research there, left out that unrelated quote in that paragraph, and ran that darn spell checker one more time before I turned it in. Of course, this (plus some other things I could have done better on) is all fine and good, leading to my fair grade of 78 (117/150). Well, when I turned it in, I forgot an outline and works cited, a total of 10 points. "Ouch, better put those in before I actually turn it in, and since I also forgot to print two copies, I'll just turn it in later today, no problem." One thing I forgot to look over because I was getting it in under the wire anyway (it was due at the beginning of class and I was five minutes late because I had to print it in the labs...) was that he takes of twenty percent for work turned in late. You read that right, TWENTY PERCENT! Not just twenty points, but a full two letter grades! So my decent (passing) grade of 78, a high C, has turned into a dismal failing grade of 58...
Almost a D, but not quite. Well, that surprised me, and angered me... But after checking the Syllabus and seeing that I was right, and noticing that if I had turned in the original copy (sans outline and bibliography), I would have gotten a 71 percent (107/150). Still a C, but a PASSING GRADE nonetheless. So I am quite steamed, and deflated at the same time. I really need to work on the rest of the papers now, there are four, and two are required, but I neglected to do the first one, due last Monday, the 21st, because I felt confident in my Exegesis paper grade. Now I should do all of the last three, because he'll take the highest two of the grades for those papers.
So if your reading this because you're wondering why I'm not on AIM, this is why. These next two weeks will be the worst weeks of my academic life so far. I need all the focus I can get. I won't even be listening to music, or at least trying not to anyway... but that's another story, maybe next time. Anyways, talk to you later.

Well, that was nice.

I feel better. The roller coaster of my life has come to a coasting point. I still have to make the "big decision," but I don't think it'll make that much of a difference... Of course, I probably haven't analyzed it enough yet. Basically, I have to decide between waiting for someone I've known and have seen for a long time and have grown to love, someone who I've know for a lesser amount of time, and have grown to like a lot, and someone who I haven't even met, but have spilled my guts out to like I do with the first person. I haven't even known the third girl for a year, and that's only online and just now having a two and a half hour conversation on the phone with...
So it's been rough today. I don't know who I want to pick, and yet I do kind of, but that decision won't get me anywhere, plus it will probably hurt the other two... which I don't want to do. So I'm stuck between two girls who like me, and two girls who like a different guy (yes, there are only three girls, figure it out...) One of the girls who likes another guy thinks she likes me more, and I don't think that the girl that I love who likes another guy thinks the same of me, and the third girl just likes me. A lot. How much worse can it get for a guy like me? ;-) (sarcastically speaking of course, and yet, there is some truth in humor...) So yeah. Yet another pointless post updating a small part of the world on my troubled existence.

My life is crashing down!

Yeah, pretty much. Things are happening that are extremely difficult to get my hands around, friends are getting upset, friends relatives are in the hospital, it's a mess. Short post, I know. Maybe I'll update it later, right now I need to make a phone call.

Hooray! I feel happy! (And I can see!)

I am sooo relieved! I have been wearing contacts for the past few days (if you've seen me, no, I wasn't blind) because earlier this week I had lost them. I had no idea where they were, and I was afraid that they had fallen in the trash, since it's a perfect trajectory for them to fall from my bed to the trash can. I didn't worry about it until Wednesday, when we had room inspections, because I figured that I would find them then. I didn't. This worried me, because I thought I had looked through the trash pretty well, which I did. Now today I get a refund check from the school for a loan that had extra credit on my account, and I was considering using it to buy a new pair of glasses. (The ones I lost were spares replacing the glasses that lost a lens on the Floor getaway some months earlier... another story.)